Thursday, November 13, 2008

That's all folks

My brothers and sisters always seemed a bit too hyperactive for my liking. I think there were 9 of them but who knows. I can't count. All I know is that these two strange looking humans put me in a blue basket and whisked me away.

The first few days are miserable! I miss my mommy and the warmth of all my siblings. I didn't even know these two people for heaven's sake. For some unfathomable reason, they keep taking me to the garden every couple of hours. It is fun and really makes me pee once I get back into the house. Apparently that's wrong somehow . Dang! I hate these rules!

I get the hang of things after the first week. The toilet is outside the house! And, if I pretend to look sad, I am handed lots of treats. I think I like these folks even though they're a bit dumb and can't understand the simplest things. However, they aren't too pleased when I finish my potty outside and bring it in to show them my achievements.

I am four months old now, or so they tell me and my new dad and mom take me to a place with funny looking dogs. These stupid animals are actually listening to the humans and doing stuff for them. Losers! I am too good for all this. I turn my back to them and eat grass. I am not gonna be doing stupid human tricks.

My dad and mom are really nice to me now and I feel I should repay them somehow so I start listening to them a bit. But, then, they leave me in the morning and come back only in the evening. I get bored and also need to work on my chewing skills. There's this thing called Bose that my dad is hung up on so I go to work on the wires. They're actually pretty good exercise for my gums. But, then, again, my dad is upset! So, next time, I leave those wires alone and go after other wires. This time cops show up and so does my dad. Some talk about security wiring and more admonishments. Can't a dog do anything right around here.

One other time, I take a strong fancy to some colorful stuff in a glass jar. It tastes yuck but it makes my lips and face purple. I can't get the damn colors off. Mommy comes home and says I ate potpourri and goes into a tremendous panic. Quite funny actually. It takes more than that kind of pot to hurt me.

Humans have it in their heads to make us dogs walk and run. Whatever for? Also, they keep telling me I'm a retriever so I gotta get stuff back they throw far away. If they really want it, why throw it away in the first place? I am not going to fall for that. I do enjoy running after what they throw though I am too smart to actually get it back for them. What if they throw it again and expect me to bring it back again! I have a sneaky suspicion that they're playing some diabolical game with my mind.

Not content with extensive exercises, my mom takes me on these unnerving hikes. I am a purebred and do not do climbs. I figure out that if I just hold my ground, one of the bigger humans will carry me. So, there you have it. It's pretty easy to train these humans actually!

I have an uncanny fear of plastic bags. The rustling sound just gets to me. Once, I jump out of the moving car because my parents were dumb enough to have a plastic bag rolling around in the back seat. Are they crazy or what!

I am about 2 years old now and I sense change in the air. Mommy, who hardly eats seems to be growing her stomach slowly but surely. Further investigation proves that there are two brats in that stomach. Mommy likes it when I lick her tummy and I like to feel those two tiny kids in there.

Dad and Mom are up to something now. They are painting the room upstairs and putting in lots of kiddy stuff and two small cots. What gives! Then, one day, they go out. I know what's going on here! Those two in mommy's stomach aren't going to remain there! They're planning to get out and take the focus off me! I am not going to have any of that. I protest by taking a nice long crap in that room. That'll teach them to give me competition...

I guess I know all this is futile. Sure enough, two little girls soon take attention off me. I am unceremoniously kicked out from my parents' bed too! Brutality!

Anyway, I soon figure out that the two little ones aren't so bad. Sure, I am not the baby of the house anymore but these two are a lot of fun. A little slow if you ask me because every time I wag my tail near them, they seem to fall down. I could run at high speed at that age, of course not that I ever did.

Suddenly, one day, my dad gets this humungus crate and bundles me inside. Luckily I have an old shirt of his for company. They make me sit in some dingy place with tons of suitcases and it's really uncomfortable, especially as I am hungry and also want pee badly.

Almost 2 days later, they let me out of that cage and it is a new place. My resilient bladder finally can let go and I pee for 5 minutes straight. What a wonderful feeling.

I like this new place too; well there's really no place I don't like as long as dad and mom are there and some other folks who give me attention. Talking about attention, I get it a lot. People just fall for my handsome face. 'Gentle' they call it, whatever that means! I just know how to get my way, which most of the time is someone petting me. What more can I possibly want.

I enjoy this wonderful time here. The kids are growing up too and I have more company than I did in that other big house. It's a great time to be alive!

I am over 7 years now. I can feel my body starting to ache. I get a lump on my head. My mommy promptly gets it removed. Then my back right leg starts to hurt. It's actually quite bad but I don't want to complain. What if my parents feel bad? I can't have that!!

Things are getting worse. They are now poking needles all over the place. I don't mind but it feels odd all over. Hey, wait a minute! I can't even feel my back legs anymore. And dangit, I can't even pee or take a crap. Not good man!

My parents take me to a huge place and put me in a cage and all around me are other dogs. I don't like dogs! This is depressing. Usually a voracious eater, I can't eat a morsel. Lots of people do come and visit me but I know they won't stay or take me back. Really really depressed now. I can sense things aren't going to get better. Oh well, can't complain. It was a good run while it lasted.

I think I'm just going to sleep now...

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